Dear You Part 1

Dear You,

My heart bled for a while. Well, more than a while. I think it still bleeds a little, but not for you any longer. Because of you, perhaps, and because of a few others, but not for you, and that’s what’s most important. It took so long for me to pull down the wards that bound me, hid me, healed me. So many times I thought I was ready, I wasn’t, and as each layer was painfully peeled back, I realized I was more raw than I’d thought. It hurt. There were many times I would lie awake, exhausted and wretchedly overtired, but unable to slip into the comfort of sleep because my thoughts were of you. For months, my dreams were haunted by images of you, and to be honest, they sometimes still are. When I waken, it’s no longer to the thought of you. My first thoughts aren’t of betrayal, infinite sadness, questions. ‘Why’ always seemed to be the one I asked most, but I no longer wonder or wish for answers. It’s a relief to no longer dwell on those thoughts, wasted energy, too much negativity. It was surprisingly easy to board myself up, close the lid tightly, and wait for the time where I was no longer numb. I don’t need to tell you that it took a long time, but I guess I just did.

There’s equal blame, although many close to me would say that’s not true, but I know it to be. Equal blame because of lack of focus, inattentiveness, and just plain not wanting to be there on both our parts. I’d checked out long before the incident, and I only realized that after you were no longer around. It took you not being present in my life to understand and see how far I’d fallen, what I’d lost in my pursuit of you, all things for you, and completely submerging myself in the blackness of delusion and blindness. Love is blind. Truth. Love is pain. Truth. Love is also honesty, and that word was never in your vocabulary, and that is also why there is equal blame. I knew that long before we were ever ‘us’. Foolishly, I put myself away to replace me with you, and that is one mistake I have painfully paid for. It’s taken me this long to put my feelings in words, but I’m whole again, and you no longer matter.

To say I loved you is far too simple a phrase. I lived for you, faithfully followed you, would have done anything for you, but it was never reciprocated and I shamefully allowed myself to continue on in a pathetic existence just to be near you. You have a power about you, something akin to charisma, but more, that just draws people to you. A magic of sorts, I suppose. I was addicted to it for years, and didn’t even realize it until you started to slip away. When my thoughts started to be my own, and your attention strayed elsewhere were the most confusing, intense months of my life, but I can’t say I hate you for it. I don’t.

You said you’d wished that it had ended differently, well I can’t say the same. You did what you did and that only helped to make me see what people are capable of. Dark, messy things we are, with infinite ways to disappoint, twist, and manipulate. Ugly. There are parts to everyone that aren’t as light as we’d like to think. Thoughts that lurk in our minds, deeds we might not plan on but carry out anyway, even if we know it will hurt someone close to us. That’s what you showed me, and I can’t say I’m sorry to have learned that.

I would have loved you forever, at the cost of hating myself. Luckily, that part of me no longer exists, and the new version of me would never allow for that to happen. I suppose I have you to thank for that. 

**A**

**Note about blog: The subject of ‘Dear You,’ differs between posts. This is the first, but it shall not be the last, I’m already working on the next one, and it’s a different subject. The focus always changes, and while some may be repeated, I won’t name names and I will try not to bore with bitching or complaining too much. Promise.