On Being Sick

So, I’m chilling in my chair trying to stay warm because it’s 20 degrees outside, with toilet paper stuffed up my left nostril because it insists on incessantly dripping. Why is that, by the way? Why is it that only one drips while the other is completely clear, allowing air to move freely in and out without a hitch until about two hours from now when they will magically swap spots and the right one will start running like a broken faucet? I don’t get it.

All week I’ve been fighting this whatever it is (sickness, illness, cold plus sore throat plus unpleasant disposition) and it’s not going away. I thought it was, for about a day, and then BAM! Came back with a vengeance and hasn’t ceased since. FML.  Okay, it’s not that bad… it could be worse, but really when you’re sick and it’s keeping you from doing what you want to do, then it’s extremely lame. So what do I do when I’m sick and not wanting to sleep because I was never one to let anything hold me back? I go about life as normal and shit like this happens:

I was at my local (the café I frequent when writing) and was minding my business, sipping my tea, when… drip, drip, drip, ya my nose starts leaking. Awesome. I sniff, sniff. It doesn’t stop. I look around, dab at my nose with a napkin, and it ceases for about a minute and a half. Then I start sniffing again, just a little, to try to make it stop. It doesn’t. I don’t want to be one of those obnoxious obviously sick people who hack and cough and sneeze and do other gross things in public, so I look around again (hoping no one sees me) and wipe at it again with the napkin. Thirty seconds later… drip, drip, drip. Oh. My. God. Okay, I get it, at this point, I’m embarrassed because my nose won’t stop leaking and I’m turning red because, well who knows why, just because, so I hurriedly grab my shit and go. As soon as I get in the car, my nose decides to behave and it stops. What???

Have you ever tried to hold in a sneeze? I have. Don’t do it, only bad things will ever come of it. I remember one time at work, I was talking to a customer, and you don’t want to just walk away to sneeze because that’s rude, and you don’t want to sneeze in front of them because that’s no good, so what else is there to do? Hold it in. Ya, that’s right, I’ve taught myself to hold it in, but it doesn’t always work. I was sucking my tongue to the roof of my mouth and nodding my head, listening to them talking, but a few seconds later, my eyes start watering and my nose starts burning and all of a sudden, I can no longer hold it, so I spin on my heel to avoid sneezing on them, and it blows right into my hand. Sweet. Now I’ve got a snotty hand, and probably face, and a customer who is still standing there watching my back as I try to make it to a paper towel quick enough to clean myself up so no one can see it. I mutter something unintelligible and wave off with my un-snotty hand, then duck around the corner to the back to deal with the mess I’ve created. It was gross. I don’t remember seeing that customer again. Hope it wasn’t because of me.

I don’t think I’ll ever learn to just be sick and allow myself to rest. If I could have breathed through both nostrils this morning, and there was no risk of anyone else getting sick because of me, then I would have been in my morning TBF class. And I would be going to kickboxing tonight. And to a movie with a friend. It’s my day off and I’m sick and whiny and irritated because I’ve tried to go out and live normally and it doesn’t work. Next time I’m sick, I’ll be doing the same. I’ll never learn.

Being sick sucks. (Switched toilet paper to right nostril.)

Single Awareness Day

So, I might come to regret this later, but I’m already half a bottle of wine in and at this point, there’s no going back. I’m sitting here, watching P.S. I Love You, which is an amazingly romantic comedy that I happen to love, and not just because I’ve visited the bridge in Ireland where they meet for the first time (‘they’ being Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank, who star in it) but because I love what this movie is all about. I tend to ramble a little apparently when I’ve had a drink or two, so forgive me if I get sidetracked. So, as I said, sitting here watching this sappy lovely movie, and I remember that tomorrow is V-Day.… yes, Valentine’s Day, Hallmark’s numero uno day for cards and such, and the candy and flower companies’ wet dream. There’s something I’ve never quite understood about Valentine’s Day: WHY IS IT SUCH A BIG DEAL??? Before you get all “oh, she’s bitter,” on me, just listen for a second. It’s crazy. It’s a holiday created to shove everybody’s noses that aren’t in love or who aren’t with somebody in it and show them how despairingly alone they are. Every commercial on television is “Get her diamonds, she’ll love you forever,” or “Buy her these flowers, or him this phone,” but really, it’s just all about businesses using people’s weaknesses against them to force them into buying something for someone who might not even be around next year. Seriously.

I’m a girl who’s been hurt a few times by guys who genuinely don’t give a shit, and so I have an extremely difficult time wrapping my head around this ‘holiday’ that’s only focus is to buy things for someone to say “I love you,” because apparently there’s no other way to show/say/express this feeling. As you can tell, I believe Valentine’s Day to be absolutely ridiculous, but it could stem from the fact that I can’t remember ever having a decent date on V-Day. I was in a relationship for seven years, and the only time I remember actually doing something was when we were first dating at the tender age of 15 (me) and 16 (him) and he picked me up from Driver’s ED and we went to Taco Time. This was the same guy that I dated for 7 years, and the first V-Day was the best. Okay, maybe it’s just because I think the men in my life have been pathetic and haven’t treated me all that well, self-centered is the word I think I’m looking for.

This commercial I just saw said, “Valentine’s Day is not to say ‘I love you,’ it’s to say ‘I love us,’ and I have to say that that’s the best marketing I’ve heard so far. I rather enjoyed hearing that commercial, and to be honest I can’t remember what it was for, but the message stayed with me. See, I’m not the bitter, cold-hearted, cynical bitch that I might sound like sometimes, I do really love love, (or else I wouldn’t watch so many romantic comedies. I seriously own the world’s largest collection of romantic comedies) but I’ve gotten the short end of the stick so to speak, when it comes to love. Something my ex-boyfriend told me that still burns in the back of my head (obviously, it’s been 3 years, and I still remember it quite distinctly) he said that I’m lucky in life, just not lucky in love. OUCH. Fucking ouch. Ya. That one hurt. As I stood in the living room, tears streaming down my eyes as he told me he was in love with somebody else, he told me this, as if my heart hadn’t been broken enough, each piece shattered even more at that statement. Unlucky in love. It still hurts even thinking those words, but, unfortunately, I can’t say he’s wrong.

Whatever. Dick.                       

So, back to this whole Valentine’s Day business, I’ve unintentionally participated by buying wine and chocolate to indulge in on my cheat day (my one day a week where I can have something that isn’t very good for me so that I don’t go insane from eating healthy all the time) and it kind of pisses me off. I’d be buying the wine anyway because it’s delicious (if you haven’t had F8 cabernet, I highly suggest it because it’s awesome) and I’m annoyed because it was on sale just because it’s Valentine’s Day. That sounds crazy, I know. Deal with it. Even Swiffer uses this time of year to sell their sweepers. Just saw a commercial that had Dirt and Mud complaining about not finding love, and then BAM! The Swiffer duster comes along and picks up Dirt. Haha, right, picks up Dirt. Dumb.

Alright, I’m going to stop before I start to sound overly depressed and bitter. I promise I’m not, even if I am rolling my eyes at the thought of dealing with tomorrow. I talked to my mom tonight and she’s kind of in the same boat I am, we’re both just chilling, kind of hanging out by ourselves while everyone that we know has a husband, or second husband, or boyfriend, and we’re just riding solo, as it were. But that’s okay. I’m totally fine with that. I just wish that there wasn’t a holiday that made me see so clearly how alone I am. However, on a positive note, Kathy Bates said, “If we’re all alone, then we’re in that together,” which is so true (that’s from P.S. I Love You, in case you were wondering. I don’t often spout off random Kathy Bates quotes. Promise). Being alone isn’t so bad. I just have to remember those times when I was actually with someone and was treated like shit in order to solidify the fact that sometimes alone is better.

But, Valentine’s Day still gets dual middle fingers from me. With a smile, of course.  

P.S. Roommate just got home, asked me what I was doing. After I told her I was writing a post for my blog, she goes, “Oh, yeah, writing about Single Awareness Day?” I hate being predictable.

Number 3

To be honest, I was going to do a check-in on my New Year’s resolutions today (it seemed fitting since it’s been a month so far in the new year) but my third resolution has been bothering me for some time now, so I think I just have to focus on that one. New Year’s resolution number three also happens to be my number three from last year, and since it didn’t happen (quite frankly, I wasn’t ready for it last year) I’ve decided to continue it on my list this year. My resolution is… to go on a date. Oh, there, I said it! Phew. (Wipes sweat from brow). That was difficult. I’ve said it out loud, well in writing, and now I feel a little better. For those of you who don’t know me, I’ll fill you in on why I’ve made it a resolution to go on a date this year.

Short version: Broke up with my ex-boyfriend three years ago after a seven year relationship (I really don’t recommend staying with your high school ‘sweetheart’ because after a few years, it’s not so sweet) He cheated, I found out, broke up with him, and have been single ever since. Can’t really blame me though, because I was thoroughly disgusted with men for a while, until I realized that not everyone is a cheater, liar, manipulator… okay I’m done with that.

I’ve heard that it takes half the amount of the length of the relationship to actually get over someone. Well, seven divided by two is three and a half, so I’m basically there. I’ve been there for a while. After the whole cheating on me thing, I was pretty much over it then, I just needed time to find myself (literally, I put on a few pounds over the last years of the relationship because I was in a huge depression that I didn’t actually realize I was in until it was over). There were a lot of lessons learned during that time for which I’m truly grateful for, and although it ended poorly, there were a lot of good times too. As I’ve said before, things happen for a reason, and that relationship ending was the best thing that’s ever happened to me (even though I was cheated on, ugh. That still gets to me). By putting my resolution out there, I’m basically asking for everyone to keep me in check and not let me back out if I actually get asked out (which may or may not happen… I’ve still got a few insecurities when it comes to guys because I’m female). I haven’t actually put together any guidelines for my dating resolution, so perhaps I should do that here.

1.      I won’t do the actual asking out. Sorry, I’m not into the whole role-reversal thing where women chase men. I’ll express interest and give you five million signs if I’m interested, but you have to go that last step. I’m not typically old-fashioned, but that’s something I appreciate.

2.      Nothing fancy—I’m not asking anyone to spend a fortune on dinner or anything, I’m totally chill and a fun day of walking around Fairhaven or Boulevard would be fine with me. Or something more creative. Just not expensive.

3.      I won’t say yes just to be nice. As much as I’m making it a point to go out on a date sometime within the next eleven months, I’m not going to just say yes to someone I’ve no actual interest in dating again. Sorry boys, but it’s for the best.

4.      End of the date kiss optional—but that’s as far as it goes. It’s been three years, but I’m not desperate. If the kiss happens it happens, and if there’s no ‘chemistry’, ‘spark’, or other term for the feeling in your blood when you know someone fits you well, then it’s whatever. As I said, I’m pretty chill.

I think those four details outline what I’m looking for in my resolution… Part two is actually finding someone that I’m interested in. I think I’ll embellish that at another time, although I do have to say that it’s pretty difficult, especially in the town I work in because every guy over the age of 20 is already married with a baby. No joke. (Alright not every guy, but 75%).

So, now I’m here, working hard on myself and my writing, the two most important things to me (I wouldn’t have been able to say that three years ago, that’s for sure). I’m loving what I’m doing for myself, and my friends are amazing, but I’m missing that one guy hangout factor in my life. I’m not looking for a serious relationship because that’s all I’ve ever known and there’s still a hint of worry at losing myself again if I jump into something, but going out on a date seems like a good start for me. I have to clarify that I don’t want to sound pathetic or needy, I’m just throwing the fact out there that I’m done being by myself and I miss being able to just flirt with someone and talk to someone. Yup, it’s pretty much just like that.

Hi, I’m Me, this is what I do, wanna hang out?

That’s all I’m hoping for.